If Death Note Was Gay
by dramaq
Summary: Ryuk makes a bet with Sidoh that he can out the four main Death Note characters! Light, L, Near, and Mello. And how does he go about doing it? By changing the words of 'If You Were Gay' from Avenue Q of course! Not a song-fic! Humor, slightly crack-ish.


**AN: So, my friend and I were LxLight fangirling, and since we're both theater girls, this little idea popped up. So, thank you Sami, for leading my mind in strange directions! The song that Ryuk is singing (ish) is If You Were Gay, from the musical Avenue Q (which I do not own btw) So, enjoy, review. and check out my new fics Living Justice and Misa's Diary! ^.^**

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Ryuk hovered over a furiously scribbling Light Yagami. Ryuk took a deep breath. Could he find the courage to say what was on his mind? He had spent hours conversing and debating with the other Shinigami about this topic, and had done a good deal of human-watching (not stalking- watching) on this particular topic and was positive that he was right.

Still... he had a sneaking suspicion that Light would not want to hear what he had to say. He would get angry and deprive poor Ryuk of his apples, despite the fact that he had previously witnessed the horrors of apple withdrawal symptoms. Light was as cruel as his pen strokes were epic, Ryuk noted. Perhaps he should broach the topic gently. Perhaps in song? His kind likes musicals, do they not?

Ryuk opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted as Light stretched in his chair with a blissful sigh, "Ah. An evening alone with my favorite book. The Death Note. No genius detectives or irksome Shinigami to bother me. How can it get any better than this?"

Ryuk saw this as a perfect opportunity to begin the conversation, "Hi Light!" he called.

"Hi, Ryuk," the brunet grumbled.

"Hey Light! You'll never guess what happened to me in the Shinigami realm this morning. The Shinigami King was smilin' at me and talkin' to me..."

"Mmm that's very interesting," Light rolled his eyes, returning to his instrument of death.

"He was being _real_ friendly!" Ryuk continued, ignoring Light's evident disinterest. "And, I think he was coming on to me! I think he might have thought _I _was _gay_."

Light stiffened upon hearing the last word. He cleared his throat and decided to put his impeccable acting abilities to good use. "So, why are you telling me this? Hm? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?" he asked sarcastically.

"Apples, but you don't have to get all defensive about it..."

"I'm not getting defensive!" Light bellowed, pressing his pen into the Death Note with unnecessary force. "Why should I care that some Shinigami is gay? I am _trying_ to create a perfect world!"

"Well, okay," Ryuk snapped to Sidoh, who was conveniently stationed in the corner of the room with a keyboard. "But just so you know..." and without further preamble, the blue being broke into song. _"If you were gay. That'd be okay. I mean 'cause hey, you'd be more interesting that way._

Light groaned and banged his head against his desk.

_"Because you see," _Ryuk continued. _"If you fall in love with L... that would really send your plans straight to Hell." _Ryuk shrunk back from Light's abashed glare, "_From what I can tell!" _he added as a quite side note.

"Ryuk," Light's voice shook, "please I am trying to kill criminals."

Ryuk waved to Sidoh to stop the music. "So you admit that you are gay for L?" he inquired.

"How did you find out!?" Light reeled on the pesky Shinigami, a furious blush tainting his cheeks blood red.

Ryuk floated over to high five Sidoh. "Ryuk, you were right. And you have successfully outed Light," he nodded. "Where are we going for the next verse?"

"To a little orphanage in England," Ryuk responded, flying into the night sky.

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As Sidoh set up the keyboard in the corner of a blindingly white room, Ryuk brushed the albino-esque child in the center of the room with a scrap of the Death Note.

"What?" the stoic child asked upon seeing the Death God, showing the barest hint of emotion.

_"If you were queer," _Ryuk began his song, skipping introductions.

"Oh, a Shinigami," Near muttered.

_"You'd have something to fear..."_

"Excuse me, I am trying to complete this puzzle-" the child tried to interject.

_"...In about a year," _Ryuk continued, "_because after L gets killed..."_

"What?" the stoic child showed fleeting surprise.

_"Your little blonde competition, will leave this institution!"_

"He will?" Near's lip quivered.

_"And all you'll have left of him... Hey, guess what?" _Ryuk inquired,_ "his picture!" _he answered himself.

Near clumsily leapt to his feet.

_"Until he takes that too," _Ryuk added cruelly, before cutting off the music once more. "It looks like you've broken from your emotionless stupor," he mocked. "Does that mean you love Mello?"

Near responded by grimacing and tearing the head off of the Ryuk doll that was conveniently in his hand.

Sidoh nodded in appreciation while gathering his keyboard. "2 out of four down. Are all the main male characters in Death Note truly gay?"

"The detective is next," Ryuk cackled confidently, flying back to Japan.

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L regarded the two etherial beings that had entered his room with slight annoyance. He enjoyed using his insomnia to his benefit, squeezing in extra hours of research during the hours that most humans were dozing. He did not appreciate the fact that the bags under his owlish eyes were being deepened by a distraction other than work or sweets.

Although he usually disregarded social cues, Ryuk did not want to further ignite the detective's aggravation with dilly-dally. He hurriedly gave the signal to Sidoh, and entered into the B section of his outing song.

_"I'm happy," _he sang,_ "to watch you fight... But it doesn't much matter to me, what you do in bed with Light."_

"That is correct," L drawled, turning back to his work.

"No it's-" Ryuk began. "Oh... yes it is." He turned to cut off the music.

"That one was fast," Sidoh commented. "And he really doesn't seem that gay. How did you know?"

"He offered Light cake... repeatedly. That's practically a proposal!"

Sidoh chose not to comment on the fact that Ryuk displayed a rather disturbing familiarity with these humans, or on the fact that Ryuk was currently twirling back into the sky like a crazed fangirl. Perhaps Ryuk was gaining a little too much pleasure from observing the budding gay love...

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"New York?" Sidoh questioned.

"There! There's the last one!" Ryuk excitedly bobbed up and down, pointing towards a leather-clad blonde who was toying with a shiny pistol.

"This is the grand finally?" Sidoh questioned. "We don't have to make him admit anything, he's clearly gay. Also, this location doesn't quite make sense, as the previous parts of the song took place several years before now. He should still be in the orphanage."

"Start playing!" Ryuk ignored his companion's logical protests as he made his presence known to the dangerous mafia boss.

_"If Matt was gay..." _Ryuk sang.

Mello groaned and snarled menacingly at the immortal intruder.

_"You'd shout... HOORAY!"_

"I'm not listening," Mello growled.

_"At Wammy's you would have stayed..."_

Mello cocked his gun in fury.

_"'Cause love would've gotten in your way!"_

Mello screamed in fury and started firing madly.

_"He could've counted on you... To always chew!"_

"Now you're just trying to rhyme!" The temperamental youth bellowed.

_"On you chocolate every day. Beside him every day! Not catching Kira would've been okay. 'Cause instead you would have had a homo par-tay!"_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

_"You're gay!"_

Just then, Matt ran into the room, mic in hand, _"But, Matt is gay!"_

Sidoh was almost too shocked to play the final chord.

"What's wrong Mels," Matt inquired, as if he hadn't just burst into his and Mello's shabby apartment to sing the final notes of a song that a Shinigami was singing.

"That asshole was making assumptions about me!"

"Everyone does that, Mels. What did he say?"

"He said I was gay!"

"You are," Matt said simply. plopping down onto his lover's lap.

Ryuk gasped scandalously. "So Mello had _already_ come out! And with Matt! When writing the score, I had assumed you were straight."

"Why's that?" Matt inquired.

"Well, you are a minor character, so I wasn't really paying much attention to you. Plus, you smoke cigarets, which is very straight behavior."

Matt pouted. "Soubi from Loveless and Usami Akihiko, aka Usagi from Junjou Romantica both smoke, and they're gay."

"Oooo, he's got you there!" Sidoh called.

"You still owe me a basket of apples!" Ryuk accused. "All four characters that I had mentioned are gay!"

"No," Sidoh countered, "you said that you could out all of them. You only outed three."

"But... Sidoh...!" Ryuk whined.

"Sorry guys, but could you to find somewhere else to flirt, and get the fuck out of my apartment!" Mello bellowed.

Ryuk glanced slyly at Sidoh. "Well that backfired."


End file.
